Write Your Own Story


With the ongoing lecturers strike which sucks by the way, I had a class at 11. The lecturer decided to be a Joshua and offered to take us— the tourists, to the far away land, Canaan. Yours faithfully was super excited, wharra you sayin’! Wednesday, the previous night, I set the alarm for 8.00 a.m.; the saying, better late than never had eaten block. I ironed my jeans and other kosokoso, folded them neatly and polished my shoes— forget about the narrow door if you bought that.

I slept like a thenge. (male goat)

Next morning, Thursday, I get into this Mataara matatu and even before the driver drives off, the kange has a 10 bob on his palm. Nothing will come in the way of this special day; lipa kama tender! Kidogo kidogo this kange says, “shika.” I look down and see a 20 bob sandwiched between his fingers and I tell him, “Si nimekupea 10, 20 bob ni ya nini?” He lowers his goat matata googols and says, “Leo kuna promotion.”
If a genie popped at that moment and asked me to wish for anything, I’d wish for Atwoli to yell at the kange, “Shenzi! Mshenzi kabisa!”

Anyway, I alighted at Juja and had only 15 minutes to get to class, that meant I was already late. See, where the lecture was supposed to take place, it is at the driest and most scarce part of JKUAT, quite a distance. A few metres past the main gate, I slow down and decide to check for any update about the lecture. I had this kafeeling that this lecture had bounced.

Hello everyone, the photography class will not happen unfortunately because the lecturer is not feeling well. Sorry for inconveniences.The 2pm class is still on though. Sent at 10.34 a.m.

Henyo everyony, nye phonyonyaphy clany winy nony hanyeny unfonyunanyely…

He is not feeling well? Is he physically not feeling well? Or is he financially not feeling well? Or he’s both physically and financially not feeling well?

Well, I was also not feeling well— emotionally.

Wakigonjeka, tunagonjeka

To calm myself down, I walked to the nearest park, sat on one of the benches and took in the place. There was nothing interesting happening, just a handful of students misusing the campus WI-FI. Bored, I opted to look at what my fellow humans had updated as their status on WhatsApp using my certified and legit bundles.
My meme person goes first. I’ve viewed a couple of memes then one speaks my language.

As it is the norm that whenever a status is interesting I concur, this one I did too.

🙋🏾‍♀actually nishaanza kutayarisha mum. 😂😂

You would think that because I’m already preparing Madam Boss psycholocigally, I’m counting months to saying I do. Wapi! My people, I’m single but I’m busy harusinating. Anyway, yes, I don’t prefer a big wedding. But before I tell you why, this is what he said,

I know. This wedding thing today is so overrated.

So together we gathered encyclopedias, dictionaries, atlases and geometrical sets. In short, we used emojis and typed sentences with select few typos— imperfection but at the end of it all the message was passed and concurred.

And these are our findings….

Almost every weekend, there is a wedding going down at a church, mosque, temple or even a garden, beach, hall. And probably almost every week there is a divorce going down as well.
A wedding is a one, two or three day event while marriage is a till death do us part. (or till divorce do us part?)

Why I don’t prefer a big wedding is not because of the expense (quality) so I want to be stingy, no. It’s about the small circle in my life (quantity) hence my preference of a small wedding.
I don’t think I’d use a lot of money to print invitation cards and send them to 500+ people while I can just post a WhatsApp status kama meme, wa kukuja akuje. Because I assume the people I call friends will view my status and attend. I would only print a few cards for the few I respect like the Wozapp generation—family.

You did not see that coming, eh?

We have weddings that are done at the expense of loans. Why would you take a loan? Is a wedding an investment? The many people that you are trying to please will not give a fuck when you lie on that hospital bed or when you’re kicked out of your house cause of rent. Very few will give a fuck and those are the people that matter.
Other couples will have a pre-wedding before the wedding itself. Today’s pre-wedding is simply a harambee. Why would you ask people to fund your wedding? Will you die if the wedding does not happen because of lack of finances?

How you look at a wedding’s budget ukiwa pre-wedding

No matter what you do, whether you do a 10 million wedding or a 100 bob wedding, we will talk. You invite 10 people or 1000 people, we will talk. You have it at the beach or mashinani, we will still talk. You serve us mashakura or cuisine, we will talk. You drink fanta orange or porridge or wine during cake cutting, imagine we will talk. You serve us a whole chapati ama two very malnourished quarters, buuuuda, we will yell.

Buuuuuda! We will yell!

You know why? We human beings, we are never satisfied. So what you should do is stop pleasing us, please yourself.

I’d rather one spends so little kwa harusi then go big on the honeymoon juu at the end of the day it’s only you two. Go there not just to visit (chafua kabisaaa) but also have lots of sex; every corner, every space alafu urudi hapa roho ikiwa shaaambamba!


There is nothing like relationship goals. Those ‘goals’ that are always on our faces on social media are goals achieved by them not you. Why would you want to copy? Upandishe hapa mtu damu that you want something like that and yet that is not who they are or less who you are.

To be honest, I was a sucker for those ‘goals’ and articles like: what to say during your first date, how to make your boyfriend happy, what to say or not what to say, how to make your relationship work etc. Like what the fuck!
I also wanted a big and expensive wedding;quality not quantity.

But you know life happens. One matures not by age but by who you surround yourself with. I grew up.


Experience something new together, something that is not defined by any external forces, something so real and not strained neither is it forced.

Love is kind and patient. It does not hurt. If it hurts, the love has died.
Shut out misconceptions, stereotypes and expectations.

Create your own goals. Write your own story.


God, I think I can now write my own story. Bring that guy naa! ❤

Featured image: Pinterest

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