I want heavenly sex when I marry!
Before he specified the kind of pekejeng he wanted, I had narrated to him and another male friend the story — God & Children — which is part of the series, Men & Marriage on Bikozulu.
His sudden outburst was prompted after I narrated this part of the story: Sex became once a month. Then once in two months. Then once a quarter. “On the rare occasion that it happened, I could feel how dead she was to it, like she wanted it to end fast. So I stopped asking,” he said.
“Kwani you think every married person has sex?” I asked him and continued, “Just because someone is married doesn’t mean they are having sex.”
Heaven is believed to be a good place. A place of milk and honey. A place of eternity. A place of peace and comfort. A place where there is no fake gold. A place where Cherubim and Seraphim spend their days singing unending praise. A place where the people with no sin, the Holy Joe’s, reside. And I don’t want to think that this is what this friend of mine meant on the kind of pekejeng he wants.
Of great pleasure, meaning of heavenly according to the Cambridge dictionary, is what this guy must have meant. I want to believe that. Or —something that is nice, tight and deep — according to the Urban dictionary.
You want to have heavenly sex, married or not, right? Where you swiftly take turns being on top of each other without hitting your heads on the head board or falling off. Where you sweep everything off on a table in one motion thinking it’s seductive. Where you enter hastily in a room and fall backwards on the bed in tandem without your foreheads meeting each other. Where your tight men’s trousers don’t get stuck on your ankles and your necklace does not get stuck on your hair. Where you lock eyes and together, till thy kingdom, come.
“If you want perfection get yourself a porn star.” I told my mbogi in the course of us eating stories. The two high five’s I got meant they agreed with me.
No one is born with the knowledge of pekejengism. We learn on the game. While some will be comfortable with the short notes given by the teachers, others will boil the pages of encyclopedias and drink the knowledge like thufu.
Sex on the screen and sex on a 4×6 bed hapo Kihunguro, is totally different. Like day and night. Sex on the screen, the scenes have been repeated to perfection. Sex on a 4×6, you only have one chance to prove you are worth the role.
On a 4×6, farting happens. You pekejengais a woman’s sexual organs, which are close to the colon and due to the pressure, she releases gas. Or after an orgasm when your body is relaxed, your anus drops the mic.
On a 4×6, at times their is queefing. This is vaginal wind. And it happens when air that gets trapped in the nyash during pekejeng is pushed out.
On a 4×6, Brazilian hairs come off. And boychild being boychild, has no choice but to pull the matutas. Aluta continua!
On a 4×6, serving two masters at the same time, rarely happens. Belts refuse to unhook while licking the neck. Bras get stuck while biting lips.
On a 4×6, women get dry. And you know how discomforting and painful it can be trying to find water in the Sahara. Raincheck perhaps?
On a 4×6, a woman could be moaning prior to orgasm. And at times they could be noisemaking as a way of helping their partner climax. Or to relieve boredom or discomfort.
On a 4×6, which is a MAJOR bummer, accidental peeing and pooping happens.
On a 4×6, you do not just lock your eyes and have keys slide into holes, fuuaaaa! Women’s sexual arousal is different from men. It occurs in stages (excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution) differently for both.
On a 4×6, boy child can veer off the road and take the wrong turn towards the road less travelled — anus street.
On a 4×6, sexual rut happens, the honeymoon phase being over.
On a 4×6, thy kababa can refuse to fit in. And at times it is because the vaginal muscles are tight. Tekenya mtu arelax.
On a 4×6, boy child suffers from premature ejaculation. And has trouble getting or maintaining an erection.
On a 4×6, at times how the nipples are twisted and turned you would think a station is being changed on a Sanyo radio.
On a 4×6, boychild is impatient. Mate inatemwa ili nyoka ateleze hadi pangoni.
On a 4×6, people could end up with cramps and not walk for days after trying a Kamasutra position. People of mathwiti na makeki maingi, you dig?
On a 4×6, while others opt to speak in tongues other choose to speak kimoyomoyo.
On a 4×6, there is tears, frustration and pain.
On a 4×6, there is laughter, bliss and gain.
On a 4×6, babies are made.
On a 4×6, heaven is brought down to earth.
Whether you are fornicating or being celibate. Whether you like it kinky or vanilla. Whether you like the lights on or off, all this does not matter if you do not communicate with your partner. Let your fingers do the talking if your mouth cannot. Or even better both. The same way you banter over sports or over men, with gusto (I have always wanted to use that word), banter about how you want to be pleasured. Because we do not walk in with encyclopedias and dictionaries, we walk in with our birthday suits with things dangling and jiggling. Remember, we live so many times and die once.
Acknowledge and embrace the awkwardness. If your partner does not laugh during these moments, they are not a keeper.
Because heavenly sex does not happen just like that.
Different strokes for different folks. 😉
Featured image courtesy of: Pinterest.